Boys lie. Girls cry.

Weight lost plan starts in 5 hours.
&&& I will be posting to keep it going.
Please wish me well with this... I need it.

I'm a crazy bitch. A horrible over dramatic cunt, I'm trying my best to change though. Currently I am trying my darn-est to pull myself out of the crazy depression I was in. I don't have a job, my father's losing his mind, I feel ultimately alone because I've pushed a lot of good people out of my life. Umm lets see... I feel awful about the things I've done to people even though I might not have realize it at the time, was such a horrible things. I want to first off apologize to Rachel and Christine "because I know they post still on here" Rachel, I'm sorry about your birthday last year... I don't know what I was thinking... But I still feel horrible to this day. You deserved better. Christine, I'm sorry I was such a crappy human being to you.... I guess I didn't understand you, and when I don't understand things I shut them out and automatically assume the worst. I hope you two can understand that (even though I sound like a broken record and oh, poor pity me) Its been a very difficult last two, or three years. I've thought a lot about all this and I need to let go any hard feelings to anyone, and start accepting people for they are...Last night I had a crazy thought about how one day I might not wake up...That nothing I know now will be there...No more chances... So I'm taking a chance now to say I'm truly sorry, and I would like to spend every moment I have to enjoy the people and the experiences I have had/and will have with everyone I know and love.

Thank you for listening to my rants.

Thinking about going to beauty school.


Really really thinking hard.


Shall I do it?

8 Month program...

Why not?

I'm so confused. My minds racing at a million miles an hour, I can't get done what I need to in a day, I'm very unhappy,I feel like Im losing touch with friends as well as reality. I'm locked in this shit hole of a house that even when I try to make it tolerable I get threatened and belittled. At this point I don't know what makes me happy, If I have a job I'm miserable because I have to work all the time, When I'm laid off I feel useless and incomplete. At this point I know that its good that I'm home because of bills and the capability of paying off my credit cards. But mentally the abuse is tearing me apart. My father, I love him with my whole heart and I watch him everyday wither away, he repeats himself more frequently now, gets angry and frustrated very quickly, he was never angry... It's actually scary to watch him go into these fits. My mother, the selfish, self center woman she is decided it would be best to void him out of her life, as well as make mine as miserable as possible. I'm almost certain she's jealous of me that I can leave at any point and that is her reasoning to make it so I don't want to live. I miss Katrina, I miss new people and exciting adventures, everyone is growing up too fast and broke off into their own little clicks. Most people I used to spend time with dont call or don't bother with making plans because they're in a relationship and it takes up most of their time. Or rather a job that works than 40+ hours. I don't want to be 22 anymore. I don't want to feel this way any longer. Medication might be in my near future if I can't break out of this. I truly hope this summer will bring better times. And please people, I have a cell phone call it.

I liked last night.

I can't sleep.
I have a horrible sleeping schedule right now.
I have to get up for work in 3 hours.
I keep driving myself into the ground and apparently taking the ones I love with me for the ride.
I got in a big fight with jake.
We both said things that were horrible.
It hurt me when he said he was giving up and that he didn't care.
I just want to hear that you love me.
Or just know you think im important.
I dunno. I'm silly I guess and I always think for the worse.
I'm very upset about my financial sit.
I hope my credit is repaired soon so I can get rid of this heavy weight.
I got an apartment and will be moving out to marlborough july 1st.
I just hope I can make it through work tomorrow.
I miss sleeping with you.
I would like to be your everything.
Please let me be your everything...

I got a new jorb.
20/hr.
It's in cambridge.
It's pretty easy but makes me sleepy.
The drive there can be a bitch too.
But in the end it'll be worth it.
40 hours a week.
3200 dollars a month.
Health.
Dental.
Vision.
401k
They gave me a laptop.
other bonuses.
I have no life as of now though.
I worked sunday night, got up at 6am on monday.
Went to my interview.
Got hired.
Went to work at 4 until 10.
Woke up at 6 to start my jorb at 9.
Worked until 4.
Drove home.
Woke up again at 6 to be in burlington.
Went to work for 11.
Worked till 4.
Drove to marlborough, had a wonderful day with Mr. Lill.
And now I have to sleep and do it all again tomorrow.
I'm hoping I wont have to drive in cause I already have a project, and it's pretty much a waste of time.


I'm scared but happy at the same time.

So I'm getting a new kitten!!! Mellisa's giving me one!!! Im so excited. I miss my other cat terribly though :(
I finally got my money back from bank of america and maybe a little more??? We'll see if they realize and take the extra 315 back.... muhahahahah
I want to move soon, but it doesn't look like it's going to be happening until june!!! AHHH
Most of my bills are paid this month.
IM going to start attacking my credit card bills like crazy.
I paid off another one... I'm down to 3. But they all have quite a bit of money on them.
Hopefully everything goes well with my taxes and I should be getting 700 plus back.
So Ill have plently to move into my new place with.
And throw some at the money hungry credit card companies.
God I hate them.
Well anyways, nap, shower, marlboro, jake<3

Things are amazing at this point.
Jake and I are goood.
We're moving in together hopefully soon along with jared and possibly jeff.
I'm organizing things in this next year so eventually I can go back to school.
Me moving out is probably the best thing ever.
I hate my house.
And living with jake makes things 348938549 times easier.
And better.
Of course.
Ummmm
I have a lot of stuff.
I'm going to have to sell some of it.
Including my tv, a digital camera, clothes, maybe a cd player and more to come.
My car insurance dropped 80 dollars and im so excited!
I need to find a place, and get a job around marlboro.
Lots of parties to come.





When drowning in quicksand with someone,
You sometimes have to step on someone to get out of the situation...
The true test is when you get your head out of the sand, Do you help the other person out of the mess too?



Think about that.
That's been running through my head all day.

I don't know how to explain this.
But I feel used, unloved, and unwanted all the time.
I'm sick of driving.
Sick of making the plans.
Sick of paying for everything, and never getting a thank you.
I want something nice to happen to me.
I want to go to florida, I want to see whales.
I've wanted to do that for some time now.
I want you to drive to me.
I want my own place.
I don't want to worry about bills anymore.
I don't want to work with my mother anymore.
Maybe I'm overlooking all the good things,
But why am I feeling this way all the time.
I want someone to call me theirs.
And to hold me close to them.
I want kisses.
I want love.
I don't want to be told I'm annoying.
I want my cat back.
I want my room to be clean.
And someone to talk to about things that are going on in my life, and help me make the right decisions.
I want to be sucessful
And thin.
And beautiful
Most of all being called beautiful
I want summer.
And beaches.
And not a care in the world.
I want nice things.
And all my stolen money, computer, time, etc back.
I want cuddling.
And to be needed.
I want someone to go out of their way for me once.


Why can't I have any of these things?
Why do I always get the worst luck???

Right now I just want to be left alone.
Until I can figure all this out.
Unless you think you can offer me all these things.
Then be my guest.

I'm so confused.
I really don't know what to do right now.
Maybe I should give up?
Run away.
Never come back.
Where is my best friend.
Why is she moving to Florida.
Where is Treena?
Where is my heart.
Where is my head.
I just don't get life sometimes.
I'm not so much sad as so much confused.
I need to make some ultimate descions.
And I certainly need to move out soon.
P.S. I love this lovely weather.

"Hands In The Sky (Big Shot)"

Tear it out of these open pages,
Women and kids of all ages,
Millions of men with blank faces,
Italicised lies, headlines, bold type

Living lives just like deer in headlights,
Terrified, blind, and wait to die,
I wonder when they'll come get me,
I wonder when they'll come get me:

We want you, have to need you:
And we'll tell you when they're hungry again,
And we'll tell you when they're hungry again,
It never ends, never ends:
We want you, have to need you:
And we'll tell you when they're hungry again,
And we'll tell you when they're hungry again,
It never ends, never ends, never ends:

Big shot screaming, "Put your hands in the sky,"
He says, "Give it up boy, give it up or you're gonna die,
You'll get a bullet in the back of the neck,
In the back of the neck right between the eyes."
Big shot screaming, "Put your hands in the sky,"
He says, "Give it up boy, give it up or you're gonna die,
You'll get a bullet in the back of the neck,
In the back of the neck right between the eyes."

Big shot screaming, "Put your hands in the sky,"
He says, "Give it up boy, give it up or you're gonna die,
You'll get a bullet in the back of the neck,
In the back of the neck right between the eyes."
Big shot screaming, "Put your hands in the sky," (Tear it out of these open pages)
He says, "Give it up boy, give it up or you're gonna die, (Women and kids of all ages)
You'll get a bullet in the back of the neck, (Millions of men with blank faces)
In the back of the neck right between the eyes." (Italicised lies, headlines, bold:)
Tear it out of these open pages,
Women and kids of all ages,
Millions of men with blank faces,
Italicised lies, headlines, bold type:

Saving money from now on.
I still have to do...


My taxes for both 2006 and 2007.
Fax in documents to take that guy to court.
Take a test in psych tomorrow that is worth 30% of my grade :-/
Take a spanish quiz friday.
Pass in a art history paper friday.
Work friday night.
Poss Sat.
Sunday night.
Monday night.
Also I have to clean my room,
do my laundry
Find a decent apartment along with someone to live with me.
Beat Final Fanatasy 12.
Shower.
And I think thats it.
hahahah


I don't care.

Life is pretty much awesome besides all that mummble jummble.

I think I wanna buy a ps2 or 3 and just live in my room forever.
Do school work and only go out when I have school or work.
I need to work on not depending on others to make me happy cause it's just not working out.
I keep getting shot down.
I felt real pretty when godsgirls wanted me to send them more pictures but the one person I want to think im pretty will never tell me so, so I came to the conclusion im not.
So After conquering not smoking this week im going to start going to the gym possibly. Or staying in my room and doing excersizes there, cause I never wanna leavvveeee.
Ughhh whatever.

Sometimes I make my own ghetto milkshakes and drink them with kiddie straws.
Sometimes I get money from loan companies and it helps me pays the bills... which entails me to be very happy.
Sometimes I get scared to like you too much cause I'm afraid one day the big bad lady will take you away from me.



Please don't let the big bad lady take you away. I like you here with me.


♥

Loan Approved Fully Disbursed
Your loan is approved. Loan disbursements have all been sent.


FUCK YES.

I don't know what came over you.
But I must say.
I do enjoy it, and I haven't been this happy in a while.
Thank you.
And Michelle and Natasha.
We need to hang out a lot more.
mmmm yes.
And I need my Treena ASAP!

My dad freaked out today after I got in from work.
Almost hit my mom, I had to pull him out of her face.
Something about money... he's getting really sick and my mom, not one to cry, almost broke down.
And I wonder why I'm so fucked up, I grew up around this, and it sucks.
My sister grabbed the phone to call the cops and I remember having to do that.
Eventually it led to my mom moving out and then counseling.
It sucked.
Bet none of you knew that.
It's hard to find love in a family this fucked.

I'm seriously NEVER, EVER, Drinking again.

What the fuck was I thinking?


And I hope things are better from now on...

I feel better now that I talked to you.
♥

I'm actually ok with my situation.
I just hope to god I get this money soon.
I'm fine with being alone, it doesn't suck so much.
I would much rather have it this way then have some kid mess with my head
and have me thinking he liked me one moment and not the next.
I could care less what my mom thinks.
It hurts that she's not supportive one bit, but Im getting used to it too.
I really hope that I can find someone soon that will honestly love me.
Someone that won't bring drama from their last relationship into it,
And will do stupid cute little things with me.
I really would enjoy a hug.
And someone to be supportive when I need it.
Because you lacked to support me.
Whatever.
Life goes on, and mistakes will be realized.
♥